email me. feel awesome.

23 August 2009


OK, I have been looking through all of my posts once again, and I am once again finding myself very entertaining, particularly in this post.

An Uber-Lame List of Radness!

I stole this list from The Ashes in a swift movement of grace and stealth, also known as copy and paste. I will do as she did, and make my favourite ones (or the ones I actually do/think) bold.

-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-That's enough, Nickelback.

-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know"
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose
not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first
saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the
only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to
finish a text.

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart",
all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and
said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies" <--actual lol!

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.
(NOTE: I turn the water on after I get in...)

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

- I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu'
to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an
overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
want to have to restart my collection.

-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will
they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't
watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and
leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone
and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time.

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on and
the link takes me to a video instead of text.

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard
before dinner.

22 August 2009

Love Game

I did not get a particularly restful sleep last night, which is unusual, but more importantly, it is unfortunate. This is due to the fact that I usually have better hair days when I sleep well, such as yesterday's ÜBER hair day, and I'm going to a wedding today, so having crappy hair will kind of suck, because obviously one wants to look nice for a wedding. This wedding is going to be on a boat, actually, and at night, so it will be a nice change in the usual wedding scenery.

But what is the deal with me always having rad hair days when I'm going to work, where it is strangled into a ponytail and many clips, and then barely forced under a very unattractive visor? Yesterday was quite possibly the greatest hair day I have had all August, but no one was around to see it, because after I discovered the great hair, it was gone at work for seven hours. Plus, even after work, it is not salvageable, particularly after seven hours, and I always have extreme visor head and frizz patrol.

In slightly, actually really a lot, better news, yesterday marked four months of dating my dear Muggins, and I wouldn't have even realised this if he had not pointed it out. You see, we started "dating" on "20 April". (This all in quotations because we never actually started with a date, and have only ever had one date officially, and many unofficial dates, so I guess we started as "in a relationship" but only kind of. Plus, we are not actually sure of when we started, because we sort of just came to a gradual understanding after I broke up with Lukas. The 20 April is just a ballpark.) It was the 19 when he pointed out that the next day was four months, and I was very surprised at this because all day I had been thinking it was the 18. Anyway, since I now knew, and he had been the one to point it out, I decided it was high time I got in gear and made the CD I'd been compiling songs for for longer than a month. This CD was a secret little gift for Mugs I had been planning, and I'd kept wanting to tell him about it, but I'm glad I didn't.
So, I managed to download all the songs on my list and then some, and I got them into iTunes and made him a playlist. The list ended up being 2 and a half hours, which is obviously too long for just one CD, so I had to make him two! I was excited. I burned them and then started to collage on of the cases with fabulous pieces of magazines and stickers, because I love collaging and that is usually how I like to give gifts. Then he called me, which is a big deal, because he is very uncomfortable on the phone, and we talked for over five seconds (like ten minutes!), and I thoroughly enjoyed that, to say the least. I love talking on the phone. It allows you to really focus on the words the person is saying and the sound of their voice without distraction. Anyway, he told me to go over in an hour so he could shower or whatever, and I did, and I gave him the CDs and he loved them, also to say the least. We listened to the whole two-point-five hours and it was awesome. I feel really good about having got that done. I'm not really one to hand out gifts on "anniversaries", because I don't consider it gift-worthy unless it's actually a year. "Just because" gifts are fine, but I hate those first kiss, first bouquet of flowers, first simultaneous sneeze type disasters those nauseating couples like to call "anniversaries". Which is why he was kind of surprised I gave him a gift on the fourth month marker, but I wouldn't have given it to him that day if he hadn't pointed it out. I just figured hey, I've been attempting to make this CD for ages, I might as well do it now that there is sort of a reason.

More good news: mother dearest decided to make me a most excellent and fabulous breakfast today! It consisted of a poached egg, two slices of REALLY AWESOME RYE TOAST and three pieces of veggie bacon! And orange juice. I felt like an ad. It was quite scrumptious.

Even more news, though not necessarily good: On the porch today I discovered a liver and some intestines of an unnamed creature one of the cats killed. There was no further evidence of something ever having lived, like feathers or fur or feet or something, just the organs. It was really gross. The liver was green. My mom made me take a picture of it because it is "hilarious". She is twisted.

21 August 2009

"Drinking cola can be exhausting!*"

Well, I found a Woman's Health magazine on the coffee table this beautiful morning, and I don't know where it came from, but I started reading it and I've decided that the people who write this thing are not particularly knowledgeable when it comes to the use of punctuation, exclamation marks in particular. Practically every sentence so far ends in a very unnecessary exclamation mark, like everyone is so excited to find out that this trendy black and white bag is inspired by Kate Spade's "famous boxy totes".

What mix is your mutt?
Tak[e] a quick online quiz! The free computer-generated test at pinpoints likely possibilities based on ear, head and tail shapes!


Stop thinking about what's bugging you and let your thoughts wander by doing something mindless, such as swimming, taking a shower or going for a walk!

Why is everyone so excited? It's really not that exciting. It's like they know that their magazine isn't as successful as other magazines, so they are trying to get readers re-excited about reading it with stupid exclamation marks. All it's doing is bothering me. It makes them seem unintelligent, or at least uneducated. I don't want to read a magazine written by people dumber than me; I would just write the magazine myself. Plus, and I know the swimming they were probably thinking of really is mindless (floating in a small backyard pool), but when I think swimming, I think of Michael Phelps propelling his huge self down a fast swimming lane, concentrating really, really hard on winning. Not mind-wandering material.
It's like the episode of Seinfeld when Elaine gets ragged on by Mr Lipman about using too many exclamation marks. He says it makes her seem dumb**. Even Mr Lipman recognises the stupidity of it all.
Lose the exclamation marks!

I mean...

Lose the exclamation marks.


*also from Women's Health, the over-excited, girlish magazine.
**not exact words.

17 August 2009

Family = Fabulous

Well, the family thing was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, it was rather fun. I feel kind of bad for being so pessimistic about my relatives.
The say started out fabulously for me, with my internal clock waking me at 830 and my shower going awesome. I was having a mediocre hair day, which sucked because the day before I was having an outstanding hair day but I was only going to work, but it was alright. I found my sunglasses finally! I was so excited to finally have them back.
We drove there, obviously, and in the car was me, mom, dad, Court, Jena and Clara. If you do not know, that makes for a very crowded 5-person car indeed. Jena sat in the middle seat in the back because she is the shortest, and Clara sat on both of us. It was very uncomfortable and drooly and hairy.
When we got there, we saw people I hadn't seen in years, which was totally rad. My cousin Lee was even there (I hadn't known he was coming!), who I hadn't seen since I was four years old, and he looks and talks so much like Clinton it was sort of ominous. It was like Clint was there but stockier. Last time I saw him before Sunday he was 18, now he is THIRTY and has three chilluns. Insane. That makes my aunt and uncle grandparents, my grandma a great-grandma and my mom and dad great aunt and great uncle. It's crazy. It feels like Lee's having kids made my family sound so much older.
Anyway, it was really great. There was lots of food of course and lots of loudness, which is also of course, and swimming in the pool and wearing my NEWFOUND SUNGLASSES OF AWESOME SUPREMACY. I was also being a pyromaniac with the fire and I kept it going for a very long time. My uncle Dan was impressed.
And thoughout the day I knew exactly where my sunglasses were, and reminded myself not to forget them, because I had just found them and that would be most awful to lose them so quickly. In and out of my life once more.
I wonder how many people were there?
Uncle Dan, Aunt Heather, Lee, Lee's wife, Lee's three kids, Jazz, Jordie, Uncle Mudd, Aunt Amber, Amanda, Ben, Uncle Mark, Mom, Dad, Chloé, her boyfriend Dave, Courtie, his girlfriend Jena, and me.
21 people! Yeesh. It was a full house. I felt like a loser for not bringing Mugs. Ha ha, the only one who didn't bring her "special someone".
My goodness, as if I just said special someone.
Anyway, it was great fun, and it's too bad Clint couldn't make it. We even took photos of all the cousins and then of the siblings (my mom's siblings, that is), and it was frantic, and then we left and crammed ourselves back into the car and got all drooly and hairy again. And by that I mean Clara drooled and haired on us, not me.
About half an hour into the ride home, I realised I had forgotten my sunglasses, after all that.
Mom said she grabbed them for me.
Oh, good.
Good day.

PS the little wiener dog in the picture is the Fischer's, her name is Peanut.

15 August 2009

Shortened Blog!!!!!

Well, tomorrow is the day I see family I haven't seen since I was very young indeed, although I have talked on msn and facebook with one cousin. I know I'm supposed to be happy to see them and such, and I am, truly I am, but I am not made for social gatherings, particularly with my very loud Italian-esque family. I usually end up sitting or standing in silence with food being shoved down my throat, occassionally being asked a question just to prove they know I exist. So, as glad as I am to be seeing people who I haven't seen in ages, I am too quiet and feedable to relate to anyone for longer than five minutes, so I imagine that as long as they're talking, I won't be.
Anyway, I worked today finally, and that was good stuff. I was going to do a way better post but I decided just now that I want to go for a stroll, so that's what I'm doing. I'll blog Monday or Tuesday probably.

13 August 2009

It was a short relationship.

Well, I quit twitter.
I kind of figured I would, as the site was being supremely unkind to me right from the get-go. No profile picture uploading, no design changing, sometimes not even a homepage loading. Plus, I have my "Right About Now" box, which is like twitter except better because I'm not limited to 140 words and I don't have to make an entire stupid account on yet another profile site, and I get to choose what sweet background I have in the box (right now it is a penguin, if you can't tell). Sounds better than twitter to me. That site and I just rubbed the wrong way. It was inevitable.
In other news, you know those little puzzle things where there is only one gap among all the pieces and you have to strategise about where to move each piece in order to create the image? Well, I solved one! I was thoroughly exhilarated after having finished it. It's the picture I used today, obviously. I was so proud of myself. I spent a kind of long time on it, between 20 and 30 minutes. I don't know if that's decent or embarrassingly bad, but I've never done one before, so I'm really happy! It put me in such a great mood. When I was in the final stretch and I could see exactly what pieces I had to move and where to complete, I felt like, actual adrenaline. I stood up and put my fist in the air and shouted, "Yes!" when I finished. It's kind of pathetic, and the fact that the picture is of a dinosaur-looking giraffe with eyelashes doesn't help. Nonetheless, it was a great success for me, and I feel very awesome at having done it. All mentally stimulated and whatnot.

09 August 2009

Roots and Shoots

I love looking at trees. I love the way their branches all spread out in their own unique way, completely different from even the most similar relative, all taking up space how they feel they ought to. I like to look at the bark, how sometimes it is very rough, or knobbly, or peely or, most sadly, peeled off. I like to think that every tree has its own personality, and its own story to tell, if only we would listen to them.
How can they not have stories to tell? They are so old, some of them, but still so happily living on. They must be so wise. They have seen so much, seen so many changes in the world. The lucky ones get to live in forests, amongst their own kind, seeing new trees come to life and old ones pass on gracefully, naturally, unlike those who live in cities, seeing their brethren murdered ruthlessly to make way for much larger, apparently more productive space-takers. It must be upsetting for those trees, watching all of that death happen, and having nothing to do about it. They see young trees planted in this environment in a vain attempt to make up for the old trees that were taken away, but it is not the same. They must hurt inside. I wish people would listen to the trees; understand their perspective.
Poor trees.

07 August 2009


Well, I was going to twitter out, but it isn't working for me. The site itself stopped loading as soon as I tried picking out a profile picture, so I tried just going to a different page, but it won't let me do that either. Now I can't find out if I will be a part of twitter's under 25 statistics. Lame.
Another thing that's lame: this computer! Oh, how lame it is. It is moving in slow motion, which for dial-up would be acceptable, but it is supposed to be high speed internet, so the slowness is greatly unappreciated and frustrating. Even my non-internet programs are slowing down. I've only done about five hands of Hearts in ten minutes. The one thing that seems to be functioning normally is iTunes, which I thankfully, mercifully managed to get working again, but it took a while to load when I first opened it. Needless to say, I realyl hate this piece of modern technology, which is why I hope to save for a MacBook, that's if I can handle not buying every fabulous article of clothing I want as soon as I have some hot fresh dollars in my fist. It shall be a most strenuous journey, but I'm sure, eventually, a worthy one.
Bad news bears, though: Alexandria's brithday party tomorrow. Well, that's not bad, but my lack of present or even present ideas is bad news bears. Why do I not have a gift for her? ARRRRG. This sucks. I'm terrible. And Mugs is very right, my blogging is supremely slacking these days. I just get so distracted, and, more often than not, frustrated. I feel very lazy indeed. Nothing is happening in my days.
Well, other than helping Mugs paint his fence, which I thought was kind of fun, but he finds it depressing because it keeps him locked up at his house all the time, so now I'm feeling dpressed for him. It's taking way too long, and we had the Tyrants at it today.
Which means I saw Bonwick, finally, who I haven't seen since June. It was good I guess. He is the same, as is expected for most humanoids.
Man alive, I'm so sick of sitting here doing nothign these days. I feel like I'm going to start growing algae or something, like a sloth. It's most unfortunate. Oh, know what else is unfortunate and supremely loserish? I do notes on facebook again, which in itself is bad enough, but lately I've been doing them and then just not publishing them so that it seems like I'm not doing them.
I'm very sad.
By sad I mean pathetic.
And loserish.
Oh, Katelyn is back. Very tanned, very not hanging out with me because she's SHOPPING of all things, after a trip to Dominican. How deep those pockets must be.

01 August 2009

Boredom Exists Elsewhere!!

It turns out I wasn't the only one suffering from extreme perpetual boredom today. When Burma once again rescued me from the awful blah-ness that is every Saturday (thank you, my darling!), we went to the bay and swam and it was very nice. The water was very cold at first but it was nice and refreshing once I got used to it. Then we decided to go in so I wouldn't turn purple from coldness, and then we would go back in once I warmed up (because although I felt pretty warm everywhere else, my hands were white and my nails were so purple they looked painted). However, almost as soon as we sat on the beach, an old man wearing these absurd yellow cutoff shorts and a striped shirt came up to us and started talking, and we were like, oh, OK, we can talk to this guy for a bit. So he started telling us about the city and stuff and exhibited his surprisingly elaborate knowledge about weather and cloud formations and things, and it was moderately interesting, but he was rambling and sounding sort of monotonous, and I stopped listening and was really bored and trying to figure out a way to leave politely but firmly.
Well, this proved to be a very difficult task. This guy was virtually uninterruptable. He was jsut rambling on and on, and eventually he started witnessing to us, which in any other case I might have admired for his courage and things, but it was SO BORING. I guess this means he sort of pushed his boredom onto us. Plus, he went on for so long it kept us from goign back in the water, because the Sun was practically down so it would have been too cold and late. We eventually managed to get a "let's leave" sort of comment in there, but when we stood up to head out, he kept going! I eventualyl said thanks for sharing with us and booked it out of there, but it totally put a damper on our swimming experience, especially since we had such fun in the water. Anyway, I took a creepy picture of him (actually several), just to have evidence of his existence, plus I felt inspired to take my stranger picture of the week of that guy. Anyway, it really sucked, but at least we helped him have something to do for a while. I guess.


I can't believe how bored I am. The computer sucks today. I went to work for four hours, and now I'm here, wanting some mental stimulation. Maybe I'll look over my last year's math stuff and do some problems just to be not bored. I know that is very pathetic and beyond loserish, but I am very desperate. These stupid headphones are hurting my ears very much, so I am going to take them off and maybe possibly get physically active.