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23 November 2009

The Mess that is Me

I can't sleep I can't eat I can't dream
Does that mean something's wrong with me
How can you make your body sleep
It's kind of out of my control
Does it mean there's something wrong
Something down and something deep
Something that I can't decipher
In the mess that is me

I can't dream so I can't live to fulfill my dreams
I can't sleep so I can't wake
There is no difference to me
Between the waking and the sleeping
Maybe it's all just a dream
Maybe it's all just a dream
Did I make a fool of me

Maybe in the end we'll find I'm not wholly out of my mind
Maybe in the end we'll find that I was right all of the time
Maybe in the end we'll know how things really ought to go
The messiness is contagious
Does it leak, does it show
It was you that took my sleeping
You are keeping me awake
My life feels so one-sided
One dimension more than I can take

I can't dream so I can't live to fulfill my dreams
I can't sleep so I can't wake
There is no difference to me
Between the waking and the sleeping
Maybe it's all just a dream
Maybe it's all just a dream
Did I make a fool of me

On my desk I have a dime I have a quarter
Together they make thirty-five
I know people have had kids by then
I know some are no longer alive
At this point in my life thirty-five seems far away
But I know time is relative
Nothing even sells for thirty-five cents today

What is this thing I've fallen into
It's brought me closer to the Earth but farther from the Sun

Does it mean there's something wrong
Something down and something deep
Something that I can't decipher
Ah, well, who needs to decipher

21 November 2009

20 November 2009


So, I planned on blogging and explaining how my previous blog really helped for a nice vent, and then how I went to my singing recital and it was fabulous and such, but then I come on Facebook and what should I find but that my childhood friend (friends no longer are we) is pregnant. Is that not ridiculous? OH MY GOSH. I don't even know what to say. This relationship is a big part of what ended our friendship, and right when she told me she had unprotected sex with him the first time I said do it safe or don't do it all, preferably not at all, and she said she knows and blah blah blah, but lo and behold, here she is with a 14-week organism blooming inside of her. I just can't believe it. I am truly, deeply in disbelief. When she was younger she said she wasn't even going to kiss anybody until her wedding day, which I knew wouldn't happen, but you understand that she was obviously going to save herself for one person. It's just nuts. When she got with him she became a totally different person. I miss her.

Callie and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Written in the style of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst
Today I had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. This whole week I haven't gotten adequate sleep at all so I've been incredibly tired and it all seemed to build up and make me especially tired today and I was so tired when I got up I forgot where I was which is always a bad start to the day and I could barely keep my eyes open as I got out of bed and I was so tired I don't remember taking a shower but I must have because I blew dry my hair but while I was doing that I almost fell asleep and I hurt my ankle trying to catch myself from falling off my bed.
When I was doing my makeup I noticed I needed to tweeze some stray eyebrow hairs so I did but one made me bleed and another one I pinched my skin and it hurt a lot and when I was putting on my mascara the wand went right into my eye and it made me tear up so I had to wash off my mascara and start all over again.
I left for school too early so when I got there it was really crappy and the music they played before class was terrible and my first period class was mind-numbingly tedious and then second period was good but then third period came and lately my friends have kind of made me feel left out because they are getting mighty close these days and I am being left in the dust and then in fourth I felt like a robot due to my increasing boredom and misery so I stopped talking until fifth and when I did talk Mugs just pointed out that I hadn't talked for forty-one minutes and that made me sad so I stopped again kind of and he didn't even ask what was up until after school but by then I was so sick of waiting for him to ask I didn't even tell him.
I rushed our good-bye because I wanted to be courteous to my friends who walk home with me and not make them wait for a long time but I shouldn't have because they didn't even wait for me so I felt bad for rushing our good-bye because I wanted it to last longer and I felt angry and lonely because apparently sitting on their asses and watching the O.C. or whatever it is they do is more important than waiting the great length of time that is five minutes for their friend to say good-bye to her boyfriend and then when I went outside I saw them walking ahead of me and into one of their homes so I walked home by myself like a loser and cried the whole way, because I felt like I could have vanished from the face of the Earth forever and they wouldn't give two fucks about me.

18 November 2009

For the Dead remind us we are Alive

Want to hear some old news? This computer sucks. Yes, indeed. I turned it on and then when I opened Firefox it all froze. I waited for a long time and then out of frustration I went against every fibre of my computer-savvy being clicked the mouse a bunch of times, and it actually did something. Eventually it started working, but it was really slow, and it keeps telling me I have an invalid window key or something like that, so I tried restarting Firefox and all that did was cause the computer to tell me I needed a Quicktime and iTunes update, which I did. For this to complete, I had to restart the entire computer, which interrupted this post, so I did that, gave up on the computer for the night and went to bed.
And now it is tomorrow. Sigh. I feel awful about not blogging. It seems every time I feel the inspiration the computer decides to go douchebag on me and it seems like I'm just neglecting it again. I'm really not, I promise you. I try to blog all the time and this cruel computer just turns me into another poor victim of a technological failure. The stupid thing would rather just sit here in sleep mode, never proving itself functional, or perhaps dysfunctional would be a better word. Maybe it is ashamed of its dysfunction. Regardless, it's keeping me from blog land and it's frustrating. So, what I'm saying is, I'm sorry my computer hates being used so much.
My next door neighbour killed himself. I'm not sure which day it was exactly, or when, but there were a lot of cars at his house on Friday and I heard through my brother's ex-girlfriend who knows the guy's daughter or something like that that he killed himself. I was very surprised to hear this. I never talked to him, or even really saw him at all, but he was still there. It also happened to occur the weekend I was home alone. It's strange to think that a life was ending while mine was continuing normally right next to it. I can't imagine wanting to kill myself, and I think even if I did I don't think I would have the resolve to even go through with it. I'm too freaked out by that kind of thing.

13 November 2009

Some Day

What if I'm not really here? What if I'm just a brain, or just an idea, or just a figment of my own imagination, and once I die, it really means that my imagination has chosen to, or is unable to, continue creating new images, so I die and end up in the blackness that is death? But then, isn't death a part of life, and therefore it is also part of my imagination? I suppose if that's the case, I can't ever really die, more just like start imagining in a way my current imagination can't comprehend. Perhaps I'm really just a schizophrenic who is living in my delusions in a totally different world, and I'm so convinced that I'm right that the world I'm really in, if I were to believe in it in my delusional world, would make me seem delusional. Since I don't want my delusions to think I'm delusional, I deny the real world I'm in, and then the people in that world think I'm totally off my rocker. Or perhaps I'm from a world where all of the people, except a select few who are sort of like higher beings or something, are delusional and they watch over us, feeding and maintaining our physical selves and allow us to dwell within our delusions uninterrupted. Perhaps it is being delusional that is the norm, and not to be makes you different. Of course, it wouldn't make much difference to those who are delusional, because we don't even know about those other ones.
Or maybe I am in this world, the one I believe is really here, but I'm actually in a deep and seemingly hopeless coma that has led me to believe I've kept on living normally. Maybe once I die, it will actually be the day they pull the plug on me, or I just die on my own. Are iPods and tiny cell phones and GPSs really around in the waking world? Maybe I'm actually an outstanding inventor who will come to and know of all these futuristic devices nobody actually made yet. I'll make millions. Maybe I'm still the little girl I was years ago and I've just gone into this coma somehow and will wake up soon, with all these images of my future self that may or may not come true. Maybe I'm just having a crazy long dream, and I might not even remember it when I wake up. You never really know, I suppose. We'll find out how it all goes down one day.

11 November 2009

it will Come

So apparently playing loner games like solitaire is good for you. The problem-solving, puzzle-ish nature of the game stimulates something in your brain that is used less in this think-for-you society, and it helps memory, both long and short term, which is always good stuff. So all my loserish tendencies have been helping me all this time. Yes. Losers do come out on top. Sometimes.
Anyway, I have some mildly gross news for you ghosts. I have a really ingrown toenail. I used to have fungus on three of my toenails, so they were all really thick and disgusting, so they used to not grow, but now they do grow, and one grows in. Ugh. Plus some of the fungus hasn't completely grown out, so it's a really thick nail that's growing in, so it's even worse. It kills and really sucks. On a bad day, it hurts just to walk. Also my ankle is injured, so that sucks too. Sometimes that also hurts to walk.
Mugs is really sick, and yesterday when he was over I took care of him and felt like some kind of reverse mother wherein my son is older than me. Anyway, it really sucks, because as sickness goes, it tends to suck. Katelyn was missing today due to "sickness", although it is very likely this ailment is a falsehood. I don't know where Alexandria disappeared to, but I saw her this morning and then she vanished.
I've noticed over time that street lights tend to go out when I come near to them. When I stand near a light, it dies. It's a strange phenomenon. It's as if I am a death wish upon electricity. Maybe electricity is trying to tell me something, like that I should die. Or that I will die by electrocution. Wouldn't that be wild way to go? I'd be alright with that, although I imagine it would kind of traumatizing for any observers that might be present.
I end today with a question mark, because I feel kind of unsure.


Wouldn't it be glorious if all the leaves were white
If they twinkled like the stars do in the blackness of the night
If they blended into puffy clouds that hang above the Earth
If they were pure as platinum and a thousand times its worth
If there was no bitter darkness, no pain grew in their stems
If they glimmered in the sunrise like semiprecious gems
Wouldn't it be splendid if when the snow fell down
the leaves were the same colour? Not a snowman would be found
With a dark leaf on his body, no he's white as white can be
He's strong and free and happy, as all snowmen should be
If I were a snowman and had leaves that you could see
I'd feel better knowing I had no wrongness or death in me
Oh, wouldn't it be glorious if all the leaves were white
If they kept you feeling happy in the sadness of the night